


a mother's lament

by sevedra



Category: 12 Monkeys (TV)
Genre: Gen, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 17:07:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15393432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevedra/pseuds/sevedra
Summary: The miracle of life is inside of you. And all you can feel is fear.





	a mother's lament

There is a life growing inside of you. A beautiful miracle. Part of James. Part of you. Love in its most physical conclusion.

There is joy and fear. The light that shines in James' eyes is a mirror of your own happiness and apprehension. This child will be something beautiful. James' lush lips and sardonic grin. Your own blue eyes. A nose that no one can identify, so you decide it must be James' mother's.

An innocent, wonderful, unexpected gift. Fate finally paying you back. Offering payment for all the debt it has accrued at the expense of James and your own peace of mind.

A baby. A happiness so great you are bursting with it. But fear too, how to raise a child in this time. How to raise a child with a man who has known only deprivation. How to raise a child after all the horrors you've seen. How to raise a child knowing the things that may come in the future.

The cocoon of peace and love that you and James share can only last so long. For a short time, you are completely unaware that you have even had this time of utter contentment. Then a sentence, a phrase you've heard and said many times before, slips into a crack in your mind. A butterfly. You see not a caterpillar nor a cocoon in your thoughts. You see a hairpin. Mother of pearl laid into a beautiful gold frame. The lights from a Christmas tree glinting off the surface. And a flood enters your head.

There is no time now to think this through. The mission is all that matters, but later. Later there will be a reckoning.

There is no later. Living behind a locked door, inside a gilded cage, you can only remember. And fear.

The memory of days spent together in the house of cedar and pine are both a comfort and a pain. Those days were the happiest you've ever been in your life. Surrounded by love. Cushioned away from the threat of tomorrow. Drowning in James. Until the baby.

And now, the baby grows inside you. A part of James. A part of you. Love turned to nightmare. Now, there is only fear. Joy is soured. Hope is lost.

The Witness

The baby shifts restlessly as you lay on your side in your canopied bed with long red curtains. Here is the only place you can retreat from their eyes. But you can never be alone. The baby is always with you.

Flutters of movement turn to strengthening kicks. The gentle slope that strained your waistband in 1959 is now a bulging mass that you can not see beyond. The baby presses into your bladder. He kicks your kidneys. He stretches so far you can feel him in your rib cage and cannot catch your breath.

The miracle of life is inside of you. And all you can feel is fear.

The end is approaching. The baby has settled into the cradle of your hips. He no longer reaches into the depths of your chest when he moves. His tiny foot is visible against the skin of your belly. An impression of his fist an outline you can feel even through your clothes. He'll be here soon. There will be no warm hand gripping your own. No whispers of love. No gentle encouragement. James' voice will not sound rough with wonder. James is gone. And you are lost.

This baby will not come into the world in an air of celebration. It will be fear and grief and doom.

It will be as soul-crushing as a stillbirth. It will be as heartbreaking as if he died at birth. The Acolytes will take him. Mold him. Bend him into the shape of destruction.

The Witness

And the world will burn.


End file.
